Dreaming
by ShellyBryan
Summary: “I just couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to be with you so much.” Warning for Cannon Death! Major angst! T for mention of suicide. My first Miami fic. HCR


Author: Michelle Bryan

Title: Dreaming

Rating: PG 13 because there is a slight reference to suicide.

Pairing: Horatio/Calleigh

Summary: "I just couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to be with you so much."

Disclaimer: All recognized characters belong to CBS, Alliance Atlantis, and CSI: Miami creators/writers. The song, "Tell Me I Was Dreaming" belongs to Mr. Travis Tritt.

**CANNON CHARACTER DEATH!** … You've been warned.

**A/N**: This is the first time I've ever written something like this and I would like to apologize to myself now for breaking my own rule. I told myself I wasn't going to write anything that would make me cry … but I did. I even had to stop writing this at one point.

I was looking up the lyrics to Travis Tritt's 'Tell Me I Was Dreaming' and I couldn't shake this idea. I believe some people call it a 'stubborn muse' and, well, I guess I've come down with the disease.

**P.S.** **_No beta was used in the writing of this fic_** so I apologize for any and all mistakes made.

**- - - - - - - - - - - - - - POV: Horatio - - - - - - - - - - - - - - **

When I woke up this morning, I realized that it was all a dream. Our anniversary dinner; making love to you; waking with your arms wrapped around my stomach and your head on my chest… all of it was a dream. Well, at least last night it was.

I cannot believe that I'll never wake up in your arms again. Everything I ever wanted was right there and now it's gone. Well, not everything. I still have that gorgeous, blue eyed, blonde haired little girl who's sleeping restlessly in the next room but it won't be the same. Every time I look at her I'll see you. I don't think I can handle that.

She woke up last night and walked into our room and crawled onto the bed to snuggle with you. She couldn't find you so she turned to me … want to know what she asked me? "Daddy, where Mommy?" I had to tell our two and a half year old that someone very sick and twisted stole you from us. God, Cal, it was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do.

It wasn't until then that I realized you weren't with us anymore.

_When I woke up this morning  
Wiped the sleep from my eyes  
I found a new day dawning  
And suddenly I realize  
You're gone_

Adriana's head is buried into my chest and I can feel her hot tears forming a stain on my shirt, but I don't mind it. I'd stain all my shirts, all my clothes, everything I own just to have you back with me ... with us, Calleigh. God couldn't even put into words how much I love you.

I'm sitting here watching them slowly place your casket into the ground. I can't hear anything. All I can think about is your smile. The only thing that makes me realize the seven shot solute is happening is when Addy flinches in my arms. She's not too big on the loud sounds of gunfire, not like you. She's like you in every way, except that. But, she's only two so that can change.

God, I hope she doesn't change.

I hope she never looks to the use of guns. Guns were what you loved and they took your life away. Not only yours, but Michael's as well. That sick bastard stole you both from us. Michael had only two months left in your tummy before he could join us but no, that perverted little sociopathic fuc… I'm going to stop right there because that train of thought won't bring you back and Addy doesn't like it when I'm tense and upset. She can sense these things.

Just like you can … could.

God damnit, I just want to be able to stomp my feet like a little kid and throw a temper tantrum. Better yet, throw something in general.

See, Addy could feel me tense and she hugged me tighter. She's so much like you Calleigh, in everyway. I duck my head and burry my face in her hair because I can't stand the sight of seeing Eric or Alexx crying.

I can feel my emotions becoming too much for me but I can't let Addy see my tears. She's got her own tears to worry about.

Do you still love me, Calleigh? Stupid question, I know, but I remember strictly telling you NOT to leave CSI Headquarters. I told you at the beginning of the week that Eric, Ryan and I could handle any new cases that came in and you were to just wait until we brought any evidence to you IN THE LAB to process. If you had listened you would still be here. You were seven months pregnant; you shouldn't have left, hell, you should have been on leave. I know you told me that I'm too strict with you but … I have a right damnit. HAD a right. I'm that baby's father; I'm your husband of four years. I am … was allowed to tell you to stay put in the lab so that there were no dangers.

Instead, you ignore me and leave to a scene. You should have phoned ME to go to it, not taken it yourself. I would be the one that was being laid to rest, NOT YOU. I would have been the one attacked, NOT YOU. I would have been the one that had to suffer the pain, NOT YOU. I would have been the one who was shot, NOT YOU and not Michael. Damnit, my anger is draining because it's not you I'm upset at, it's ME.

I should have known your stubbornness would have won. Hell, that stubbornness is one of the reason's we finally got married, all because you wouldn't stop fighting me. And I love you for it, all of it. I just should have stayed at the lab, or I should have gone to the scene with you. At least then I would have been there to protect my family.

God, I love you. I wish the past five days were all a dream. I can't fight it anymore. My tears are finally falling.

_Tell me I was dreaming  
That you didn't leave me here to cry  
You didn't say you don't love me anymore  
And it was just my imagination telling lies  
Tell me that you didn't say goodbye_

I'm so lost. It's been two months and I still can't handle this. Addy needs her mother. I need my wife. I'm trying … Alexx, Eric, Ryan, even Frank are all trying. Alexx has been great with Addy. Frank, Ryan, they have been such great uncle influences to her. Eric, I don't think we could have picked a better godfather for our angel, Cal.

But none of this is bringing you back and it's absolutely killing me.

Getting out of bed is getting so much harder. I just want to lie there, where I can constantly dream of you. Dream of what it was like when you were still here with us … with me. It was only three days after our fourth wedding anniversary and I just can't stop thinking, _'Til death do us part' is supposed to be when we're old and wrinkly, not after just four years._ I just can't do this. I just want to go back to sleep and dream you back here.

I can't believe this is happening. How long have I dealt with death? How many times have I looked it in the eyes? And yet, here I am, lying in my bed at 3 in the afternoon with absolutely no intentions of getting up or dressed or showered or … just no intentions of living anymore. I want to be with you.

It's so bad that Alexx had to take our baby girl to daycare for me because I just can't get a grasp around everything. And it's making my head hurt even more because I've seen this over and over again. I've lived this many times before. But now, this time, I just want to lie here and dream that you are here beside me, loving me.

_I'm in a state of confusion  
I hope things aren't what they seem  
If this is really happening  
Just let me go back to dream  
You're home_

It took four months but I'm finally getting the hang of everything. Alexx very nearly beat me back to reality and I still can't believe that I actually thought of leaving my baby girl here on this earth without either one of us. I've never been so selfish in my life and I'm never going to go there again.

Alexx had come and cleaned up the broken bottle and had slapped me hard when she saw the knife sitting there on the table. She told me that when I phoned for her to come pick up Addy that I didn't sound right. She said she left Addy with her husband and came back because I didn't look or sound right to her trained eye. She was right. I was going to do it Cal. I was. I just wanted to be back with you so much.

After she slapped me upside the head she had handed me a picture of our precious little angel and I … I couldn't do it. She even handed me the blade and said that if I wanted to still do it after staring at that picture for five minutes then she wouldn't stop me. She said she would take care of Addy. She said that Addy would still have Ryan, Frank, her family and Eric to take care of her. She didn't need me. But all I could think about was … she does need me.

I remember what it was like growing up without my mother. I remember what it's like growing up without a father. True, circumstances were much different but they were also the same. I wasn't going to let my girl, our angel live without either one of her parents. I still think she needs you more then me but I'm going to be here. I'm going to be her daddy and her mommy.

And I'm still going to dream that you're right here with us. Right here, holding Adriana's hand as we walk the beach. Right here, holding my hand as we walk into the restaurant for dinner. And right here, holding my body close to yours as we both wake from a very peaceful sleep.

_Tell me I was dreaming  
That you didn't leave me here to cry  
You didn't say you don't love me anymore  
And it was just my imagination telling lies  
Tell me that you didn't say goodbye_

One year ago you were standing by my side, wishing me a happy anniversary. I could see the love in your eyes, taste the love in your kiss, and feel the loving dew of your skin as I made love to you. I can still feel and taste all of it. It's all locked inside my head, only escaping at night when I can dream you're at my side.

The tulip I hold in my hand doesn't even beginning to tell you how much I miss you, how much I love you but I know that, when it reaches you in heaven, it will let you know that I still think of you. Every night and day, Cal, every night and day.

Little Adriana doesn't quite understand why she's supposed to be placing her tulip on the dirty ground. She keeps telling me that she wants to keep it. I told her that, by placing this flower on this dirt, mommy would be able to see your love, not just feel it. She still didn't fully understand but she nodded and copied me. It was absolutely beautiful, but when she walked over and kissed your gravestone, Sweetie, I couldn't stop the tears. Our little angel stole my heart right then and there all over again.

Your father is standing beside us. He's been sober for ten months now. He's doing very well and is spending every weekend with Addy. He's taken her to the park, to the beach, to the zoo. He's been wonderful and I know you'd be very, very proud of him.

I still dream, Honey, of you beside me. But now, now the tears don't come. I can sit there and dream of you in the daytime. I can sit there and dream, and tell Addy stories of you and show Addy pictures of you. I showed her one from our wedding. God, Cal, you were absolutely gorgeous, and Addy said as much. Three-years-old and she's using words like gorgeous. When she said that, I couldn't hold back the tear. I just couldn't. And when she sat up straighter in my lap and wiped away the tear from my cheek, I swear I saw you sitting on the couch, watching us with a small smile on your face.

So now, when I dream, it's not about tears, or mourning. It's about life, and celebrating the one you had, we had, and the one you gave to me. I love you, Cal, and never again will I question your love for us because I see it in every one of the pictures I have hanging in our home. I know now that you didn't say goodbye, Beautiful. Instead, I can hear your beautiful southern lilt telling me, "See you later, Handsome."

_Tell me I was dreaming  
That you didn't leave me here to cry  
You didn't say you don't love me anymore  
And it was just my imagination telling lies  
Tell me that you didn't say goodbye_


End file.
